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27 April 2011 @ 06:53 pm
"I just hate to see somebody holding onto their integrity for no good reason."  
That's me. Holding onto my integrity, that is.

I never got too into writing, AUs, for example, a lot because of the fandoms/pairings I had previously. Queer as Folk is the first fandom I've been involved in, in which the characters I enjoy reading/writing about are the main characters. (Unless you count my mythology fics, which I don't; historical fiction is quite different than fanfiction in the character development department.) I looked, and saw that I write about antagonists of whom we know little, side characters like Remus and Sirius in Harry Potter, or characters that we see little to nothing of. Hence, Regulus Black, who I've developed the character of almost entirely independently.

The connection between AUs and main characters is actually quite strong; with side characters, there are a lot of blanks to fill in. Which means that, while I've seen the genre in my other fandoms, I've never been in a fandom that is quite so AU-friendly as QAF. A lot of me has sort of felt that, if you're going to write a story that is drastically different from the original story, you may as well write something entirely new. In fact, I'll admit that most of my original writing are actually fanfictions in which the characters/time period/location/plot has been warped so drastically that they're only recognizable if you squint really, really hard.

However, now that I've gotten the temptation to just write the QAF AU which is nagging me, I feel like I should just give in.

More than that, though, I feel that I should let go of my "integrity" and write the fucking slash porno. I've come up with excuses for years, namely that I didn't feel comfortable writing about physical feelings that I will never, ever feel. But last year I got over my fear of fanfic exchanges and just wrote something, and even though I hated my fic in the end, I did it, and a couple people said that they liked it.

And the fact is, I am pushing ten years worth of reading hardcore slash. I was hit with it at a tender age, and by the time I was thirteen I had a better grasp on what was involved in gay sex than probably anyone I knew. (I say probably, because everyone has guilty pleasures; of all the people I know in RL, only my closest friends know about my love of slash, and even they don't know everything.) And you know what they say: if you want something done [right], do it yourself.

The thing that really got me thinking about all this was the fact that I've had a hard time finding what I really want to read--or at least, not a lot of it. Namely, my kinks, well-written. And after ten years, there is very little I haven't seen, which I think has to do with the reason why mine are so incredibly specific. So, while I'm at this confession, thing, people get to learn what I'm into:

In terms of QAF, I love Brian in a suit. Meaning, doing dirty things while wearing one. This goes with the utter lack of Vanguard pr0n; I've found one could-be-canon story thus far in which they have sex while Justin's an intern at Vanguard that isn't a reunion story. (Brian follows him into the copy room.) I feel like the potential is there, since their definition of subtlety is Brian asking Justin out on a non-date in the conference room ("There's a new restaurant I want to try...wanna check it out?" Seriously, the number of "non"s in their relationship is almost stupid.)

Although, triciaqaf used to write the first hardcore d/s fics I've actively liked. One of the little details in one story killed me dead: Justin is waiting for Brian to get home and punish him, and he's naked, and Brian comes in and she describes Brian's shiny shoes. Yeah, it's the little things that really get me at this point.

Being a complete and utter geek, there was a story (which I can no longer find) in which someone described Brian and Justin as having an equivalent of an ancient Greek erastes/eromenos relationship. I had a nerdgasm. Even more than when I read mysid 's QAF/Mary Renault crossover; anyone can know the Hyacinthus myth, but for someone understand the social implications of Greek male relationships...that's special.

And the idea of Brian using toys on himself.

Despite particularly liking this last one, I'm not so into toppy!Justin; I won't turn it down, but I get the feel of "been there, read that." I like Brian's incredibly dominant personality, and I don't think that should be messed with. I feel like the dominance plays a lot into his character, in the seemingly compulsive need he has to protect and provide for people he cares about, and it almost even weakens his personality to make him willing to bottom too often. I think that a lot of the irony of his character is that he has so much of the traditionally masculine personality, and the role in his relationship with Justin, despite his insistence that they're "unconventional, undefined." And like Sophocles, I'm a big fan of irony.

Being in the Harry Potter fandom for a long, long time, I've seen a lot of evolution. Most of it has been good. In fact, a majority of it has. I've told people that if I weren't a classicist, my master's thesis would either be on 1990's American pop culture or on the development of characters in fanfiction over extended periods of time, and Sirius Black would be my main subject. Gone are the days when he is the dominant member in slash relationships with Remus (due mostly to fans finally giving poor Remus some balls), as well as the days when he had this great tanned skin and blonde highlights in his hair. Descriptions of Sirius often reflect the fashions of the time, and now he is often described as being wonderfully pale with jet black hair (thank God).

However, something in me misses dark!Sirius. It's not the way I usually think of him, but it's a nice change, and certainly a much-needed look at the dark side of his personality that he undoubtedly has. He, more than any other character I've ever seen, is the archetype of the character who initially comes off and perfect in every way, but later shows some very ugly personality flaws. (I'm not considering that people see him as a mass-murderer through much of the third book; even then, Harry acknowledges how handsome he was, and we all know that Harry had it real bad for his godfather.) I haven't seen people portraying this deliciously mean side to his personality for a while.

I'll conclude this talk with my belief in going back every once in a while in order to remind oneself about what one knows about a character; it's very easy to get sucked into fanon and forget the important aspects of a character.